Hay! Andy

Trend That Needs to Die: High Tops with Skinny Jeans

2010-04-06T13:12:00.006-04:00

Look who's not dead! I realized that I had just passed my blog anniversary and have been an extremely negligent blog keeper. 7 posts in one year, blasphemy!

So I'm back to bring to you a new rant on a disturbing trend. A

trend that is full-on proof that dressing is not always about be flattering. A trend that exemplifies the motto "If one hot bitch does it, all the hot bitches will do it."

I giv

e to you: Men in skinny jeans with high-top sneakers and/or slouchy socks. A scourge on the face of fashion!

Now kids, I am all for being trendy if you can pull it off. And I am especially all for "making your own kind of music." But there's a limit. And just because all the vegan hipsters whose tote bags weigh more than they do are doing doesn't mean you should.

The image above demonstrates that on someone with no definable leg muscles, the loo

k could be kind of cool. I'm not talking cankles, people, though we'll get to that. I'm talking twig legs. People who

wear their leggings a little baggy. Those of Muppet-sized appendages are the ONLY people who can pull this look off.

You know who can't? Sexy men with beefy legs. Which is what makes this whole thing such a damn shame! I love a nice leg as much as then next person, but this looks does no favors to average-to-muscly men. Not only does it give them cankles, but it also makes their legs look REALLY short.

The result? Lower fatness!!!

Exhibit A

Poor little Joe Jonas. Clearly prone to be apple bottom, he looks like a Weeble Wobble in this look. How much lower fatness is he giving right there? A lot. Enough to make another brother and take Nick's place. He's rocking such a cute nerdy teen look that its a shame that he feels the need to cankle-ficate himself.

Exhibit B

Probably the saddest example. Mr. Marc Jacobs, who would look hot in a muumuu from Kirstie Alley's private tent/dress maker and some neon crocs, looks bottom heavy and clunky. With the shorts it wouldn't be soooo bad, but the socks kill it. LORENZO! You're the luckiest bitch on the planet. You're crazy hot and possibly married to the darling of the fashion world. Good clothes and accessories must fall at your feet. You probably walk by stores and they throw shit at you just on the off chance that you'll pick it up out of the gutter and get photographed in it. But sweetie, seriously, stop trying to make this your thing, you're ruining the view.

So let's do some good readers! If you have a friend with nice legs who insists on doing this, stage an intervention! Friends don't let friends look bottom heavy!

Trend I'm Not Sure I'm Comfortable With: Lady Boys

2009-10-18T22:23:00.012-04:00

OK brief hiatus for the Kylie Madness (more on that later) and a brief bout of what turned out not to be swine flu. Sorry to have abandoned you for so long dear readers! I come to you today with a biggun you're sure to love!

Today's topic is LADY BOYS: Fabulous or Freaky!?

What is a lady boy one may ask? Well, its not a chick with a dick situation, cause I'm sorry, but pick one. No, it is men who appropriate women's clothes and incorporate them into their own wardrobes. Something like this:

I have to say I love it! Frankly, if you know me, I've been bitching about the constraints of Men's fashion for YEARS. Women have SOOOOOO many choices (and I know all you bitches out there are saying, "But I never know what to wear!" thats not my problem). You've got skirts and dresses and, thanks to the pioneering efforts of Kate Hepburn and Mary Tyler Moore, PANTS! You've got brooches and purses and scarves and rings and bracelets. AND SHOES! Flats, 6 inch stilettos, sandals, wedges, oxfords, boots up to your coochie, platforms...on and on and on. It's not FAIR. Exciting choice in men's fashion consists of whether or not you want your blue shirt in stripe or check (you rebel!). Are your lapels wide?? I mean, lets be serious, a few years ago the idea of wearing your pants 2 inches short was considered EARTH SHATTERING (sorry Brad, you know I love you...).

And I understand, there are constraints on men placed by society (cough uptight heteros cough) that limit the amount of expression one can generally get away with (My treatise on gender roles in society will be forthcoming. It will be entitled: "My Name is Andyhay, more man than you'll ever be and more woman than anyone needs". Look for it from DoubleDay.) And granted all of that is hooey cause clearly LadyBoys walk among us, at increasing rates in NYC (though here you can get away with fashion MURDER). But for your above average guy with style its a bit limiting (even more so if you eat twice a day. Chipotle? What?)

SO through all of that I have to say that I come out in full support of the LadyBoy. I love love love pushing gender norms. Tilda Swinton is my goddess and Justin Bond sits at her right hand. I've also spent the last 20 years cultivating a love of drag queens (though thats not what we're talking about here, nor is it about transvestism. It's about STYLE). Should a 12 year old be watching "The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert"? No, but i did anyway...

I love the idea of the butch and the femme. Combat boots with a skirt! Yummy. Plus, now all us boys have one less hurdle to jump when trying to give a blow job! Easy access AND Style, Win comma Win! And frankly any excuse for men to show off their calves is enough for me. I think so many designers are showing this in all the right ways, like at Commes des Garcons. Or Marc Jacob's stellar lead by example. I have seriously considered buying a black wool kilt and some meggings and wearing them with Man Gladiators (If you know where any of that can be obtained, email me!). I even wish sometimes I could rock heels...but I have enough balance problems as it is (My beeeyoootiful little dolls!). But they don't call 'em MANolo's for nothin!

This is not a love fest, though. I have to draw the line somewhere. And that line is somewhere in between these two pictures:

Exihibit A: A pic of that queen Derek J from Real Housewives fame working out those HIDEOUS Balenciaga heels.

Exhibit B: Same guy in some heels he stole from his "athletic" sister and either a large shirt or a small dress.

See, on the right is a non offensive way to wear (mostly) women's items. Do I like this as much as the butchie goth sort of stuff I showed you earlier? Not so much, only because I wouldn't be caught DEAD in a white blazer. But I can appreciate it. But see the other, is offal (typo, it stays). I mean if you're a man and you want to wear a dress, put a little effort into it. Either go the full RuPaul, or even a little Ongina, even Drag Princess! But that...is a boy....in a dress. Nobody wins. Its not pushing fashion anywhere new. Its not making a statement other than "I have surprisingly nice calves". Or "Where's my neck?" Its tacky. And let's ALL have a sit-down-honesty moment kids, when Kim Zolciak looks better than you, its time to hang up the size 14 Louboutins. I'm just saying...

This also raises another issue I have with the whole movement. I fully support LadyBoying out. What I have trouble with is the new resurgence of the OBNOXIOUS GHETTO QUEEN. I'm telling you, it is REAL and it is a problem. Now don't get me wrong, I've queened out so hard once I gave myself whiplash, but its an issue when EVERY bar, club, street corner and subway car turns into a House Ball. Pepper LaBeija come back and show us the light! Last weekend, I couldn't turn a corner with out running into some bitches hand, voguing too big! THE MADNESS HAS TO STOP.

I guess I'll have to declare myself A-ok with Lady Boys. So seriously, any news on my kilt and gladiator mandals?? Hello??

Ungaro S/S 2010

2009-10-07T11:42:00.002-04:00

I had no words. Only faces.

Bitches I Can't Stand Right Now: October: Coco Rocha

2009-10-06T23:12:00.007-04:00

Welcome dears to another regular feature on what will become a regularly updated blog.

Do you ever hear about someone, meet someone, see someone on the street or wake up next to someone and go, "Huh, this bitch is pretty cool." Only to two weeks later, after having them haunt every corner of your life, including personal bathroom time, you just want to SCREAM "I CAN'T STAND YOU BITCH!!!!!"

That's what this is about.

Coco Rocha, for those who don't know, is yet another lanky alien sent to us to wear clothes better than your average person. A model, in layman's terms. She hails from somewhere in Canada (Saskatchabertowa I think). She was sent to us so that we can marvel at the natural occurrence of the nose Michael Jackson (R.I.P.) was really going for and to marvel at her ability to work Irish Step Dancing into modeling.

RIVERBITCH dears.

So, being a little slow on the model uptake, I first became aware of Coco last year thanks to my in the know friend, Cuca. And then I forgot about her. (I mean really, the last model worth remembering was Cindy Crawford and bitch made my couch so, you know, downgrade.) But I notice that the girl with the upturned nose and dark hair kept popping up. She'd be in a Vogue spread or two. On an ad on a bus. In a runway show. Harmless.

Well in August she exploded into my world. She was featured heavily in the September (and August) (and October) issues of Vogue. What kind of sexual favors she promised Grace Coddington, I have no clue. THEN she was overly a part of The September Issue. (I'm sure the scene where she let Anna Wintour drink her blood got cut). And THEN, worst of all, she spent Fashion's Night Out doing her little Irish dancing bullshit in the window of DKNY on Madison! In a tacky ass sweater (sorry Donna!).

Check it out (sorry its crooked, iMovie is still a mystery to me. Like the music??):

What the hell kind of Irish ridiculousness is that????

I'd had it! If it weren't for the complimentary mini bottles of Champagne (thanks Donna!) I probably would've shanked her right then and there. Yeah sure, she's kind of pretty. She's got that desireable 12 y/o type body. An averageish face. Certainly not striking but pretty. But my god talk about overexposure. If flip through one more layout and see her nose pointing at me I'm literally gonna burn down the Conde Nast building. (Only after all attractive shoes and hot bags and Andre Leon Talley's are safely removed.)

Extreme? Sure. But I CAN'T STAND THIS BITCH RIGHT NOW!

Hate/Love: Rachel Zoe

2009-10-03T15:20:00.014-04:00

WELCOME BACK!

I know I know, you'd all thought I left Hay! Andy for dead! Well au contraire! This bitch is back! Welcome to H!A 2.0

So, you've voted (well 6 of you) and the winner was: I hate/love Rachel Zoe...so here you go dears! Hope you're as excited as I am!

Hate/Love: Rachel Zoe

What can I say? I've really wrestled with this for a long time. After first hearing about her a few years ago I thought, "Hmph, another bitch who stole my dream job." Then of course there were all the scandals about her make her clients look just like her: GIANT head, fetus body, big sunglasses, bigger hair, feet of a small elephant...And let's not forget that Boho Chic has NEVER been one of my favorite looks, that Hippy Dippy stuff makes me vom.

All of this in combination with her obnoxious voice, her serious case of the Madonnas (homegirl is from New Jersey...please), and her label whoreness that even I can't aspire to.

Not much to like right?

Well after having way too much time on my hands (time spent not updating my blog...woops!) and watching a few episodes of the new season of The Rachel Zoe Project, two things happened:

1) I was totally charmed by Brad, her openly bespectacled chief homo

and

2) I realized that she doesn't really take herself too seriously

Now granted watching hour after hour of her gets a bit grating (the deadpan voice is like... shutting...my...ears...........down...) made only worse by her blonde minion with an attitude problem, Taylor. UGH her perpetually out of place side bangs and her love of skinny jeans and man voice SCREAM idiotic FIT girl, and I see enough of those on a day to day basis! I dislike her more than I ever disliked Rachel if only for her overuse of the overused phrase of the moment "It is what it is."

But through all this, I stayed to see what cute things Brad and his glasses did each week. Brad gets his dog groomed (aww!), Brad's dog has a pacemaker (double aww!!), Brad dances at Fashion Week like an adorable bobble head nerd (send that boy some champagne, compliments of H!A). And while I was watching him, I slowly realized that I didn't totally hate Rachel's style POV. She has some, lets say interesting ideas (I mean fur vest can be cute, in moderation, but her closet must look like a trunk from a Sonny and Cher tour), but she clearly knows her shit and even more importantly has the balls to call Karl Lagerfeld and ask HIM to change a dress. (!?!?!?!)

SHOCK AND AWE

I mean, do you call up Michaelangelo and say "Hey, love what you're doing on the ceiling but could you make Adam's wang a little bigger?". NO

Would you stop Julia Child in the street and tell her that her recipe for coq au vin is dry and laborious?? NO

The nerve! It was RIVETING. So I got into the show, and the I followed her on twitter. And then came the final nail in the coffin. The last push that officially pushed me to the dark side.

Bitch went and tweeted this:

I. Di. Ed.

Not only is this a SPOT on imitation, but the fact that it came from the person itself that despite her inherent Muppetness, RZ doesn't take herself or the persona she's created too seriously. So despite all the drama, fainting every time Starbucks runs out of coffee stirrers, etc., she became somewhat of a real person in my mind.

She also tweeted this:

Even funnier than the first! Gotta say with that one she won me

over. So, is she still a Muppet with an oversize head, annoying voice and questionable taste in vests who needs to make cheeseburgers a part of her steady diet? Of course! But does she have a personality and can laugh at herself? Definitely.

So in the quesitons of hate/love, I'm gonna go with more love than hate...not much more but enough so that I'll stop bad mouthing her in public. (This rating was severely affected by a vomitose R Z telling a comatose as usual Taylor that she was her precious jewel or some crap, PUHLEASE) Is she the best stylist ever? She's a contender. Do I want her job? OF COURSE. If I write a blog post about her will I increase my chances of meeting Brad and his glasses? GOD I hope so!

5 Songs I'd Put in a Fashion Show

2009-04-27T22:34:00.002-04:00

Alright everyone, the bitch is back! After far too long (those trips to Paris just get in the WAY) and with a renewed computer I am back with another of what I hope will be a regular feature on what I hope will become a regularly-updated blog!

While spacing out in class today I came with this thought....that if I were to somehow attain one of my dream jobs and possessed the power to create fashion show experiences then what music would I use? As we all know, the music is almost as important as the clothes! To wit, here are my 5 songs of the moment that I would use in a fashion show:

1. Pet Shop Boys-Love Etc.

PSB has always been like Erasure for me, music that I thought I should like. Well thanks to their last two albums and a thorough listening of the back catalog now I do! Their new single is high drama fantasma...a great walker! (I tried ;-)

2. Yeah Yeah Yeah's-Soft Shock

Beautiful song...great musical breakdown

3. Visage-Fade to Grey

Love the wierd French voice in the background, also not a song that is instantly recognizeable. Only downside, that spawn Kelly Osbourne totally ripped it off for "One Word"...what can you do...

4. Ladyhawke-My Delirium

Love love love this song. Another good walker (I tore up 7th Ave.) Driving and yet moody.

5. Hi Tack-Let's Dance

I like this remix almost as much as the original...but for a show this would be much more appropriate. It's David Bowie and a fashion show, need I say more?

Luhrve my new shoes

2009-03-25T09:46:00.006-04:00

This is the first part of what will be a regular feature here on Hay! Andy entitled Luhrve. What exactly is Luhrve you may ask?? Why, darlings it is love, but not just love. It is L-O-V-E, capital O-V-E. It is a love so profound that it can only be pronounced like a French Canadian duck after one too many diet cokes.

Exhibit A

Let's spread some luhrve!

Haaaave you met Salvatore?? Yes darlings, Ferragamo. It is deep and it is real this luhrve. Having always considered myself more of a Gucci bitch (Tom Ford makes me moist like a snack cake, what can I say?) I find this new luhrve shocking, if not a bit a like cheating. its dirty and I like it.

So what has spurred me to declare my luhrve for what I previously termed "The pretender to Gucci's throne"? it is these dears:

Boat shoe inspired driving loafers with a RED sole and none of that tacky, LL Bean suede string! Ay mami! its too much! When I first saw these, there was indeed an audible GASP heard throughout 27th street. If you tanned my skin and made Andy shoes, they would look like this. Its got everything! Classic euro sexiness (shows just the right amount of ankle ;-), unexpected details, RED, and no visible sign of their hideous logo anywhere on the outside! (ANNNND even better! I got them wholesale!!) I have to say that this shoe is a perfect representation of the amped up style over at Sal's house. Witnessing what they offer in their own boutiques versus the stuffy old man shoes I'd always seen at Neiman's, Sak's etc., I have been very impressed. Two years ago they had gorgeous purple velvet lace ups, with a looong toe, very flattering. And while the staid classics are still around, there are more and more better offering from the "fashion" lines. OH and they're bags have improved immensely too!!

Just do me a favor, powers that be at Ferragamo, GIVE UP on trying to make a logo. I know I know I know, this is the IT thing in the industry. Everyone's gotta have some shit ass monogram to plaster all over EVERYthing, especially the cheap shit that the plebes buy. But seriously, just don't do it. Take the high road. The only thing worse than a bag with logos all over it is one where the logo doesn't mean anything (C's and G's of an interlocking variety are, of course exceptions) Are you listening Kenneth Cole, Michael Kors, Ralph Lauren???? Stop putting your initals on the bags...no one cares.

Top 10: Reasons I Don't Want to Have Children

2009-03-19T10:37:00.005-04:00

I know...i know...what a way to start a blog! This, by no means, is a reflection of where I want this blog to completely, though every once in a while I will be offering my opinion on certain life events. Fashion is life, life is fashion, and your decision to procreate says just as much about you as your shoes.

With that, here goes!

#10- Babies are expensive.
And it never ends. I can give you my mother’s email if you don’t believe me. Between college tuition, jonas brothers posters and, you know, doctors, it can cost over $1 million to raise one child. God forbid you have a gay boy, you’re looking at that in clothes and shoes alone!

#9- Babies are messy.
Unless you have live in help, your house will never look as good as it used to. And it will smell of sour milk.

#8- Your life no longer becomes your own.
The joys of child rearing are supposed to help you to forget that you used to be a complete person. Not just mommy. You can never, ever say “I love you, but I love me more” to a toddler.

#7- Babies are FOR LIFE.
Or at least until they turn 18, resent you, and start sending you their therapy bill.

#6- Babies are always around.
It is no longer socially acceptable to send kids to boarding school and only see them at Christmas.

#5- Diapers.

#4- Babies depend on you.
The thought of having a dog seems like too much responsibility, and you only have to walk and feed them.

#3- Children don’t behave like adults.
I like to know that if I say something to someone they will listen to me. If I say, “Don’t step on my $500 shoes!” they won’t. Most kids will do it anyway.

#2- Cats don’t like kids.
As a rule. We all saw Lady and the Tramp, look at how much trouble that baby caused!

AAANNNND! Number 1-
I have yet to acknowledge that Joan Crawford is not a model parent. “When I asked you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it!”